About Rose: I grew up in Singapore, lived in Melbourne but currently call London home. I love gastronomic adventures, especially while travelling. I stated writing at 17 to remember how it all began.
Archives:
14 November 2002
10.40pm,thursday
it's almost the end of the week huh? been a week into the hols.. well did quite a bit so far..got my hair dyed, went for training, sooch slept over, went for training, sooch's bdae, rebonded my hair, went for training, fell sick, did GP homework, injured my foot. yeap. pretty monotonous. been feeling that way lately too.. sometimes.. you don't know what to say anymore.. i miss cedar so much you know.. really.. i could really be who i wanted to be.. no worries that i'd be too simple.. or too boring.. i used to laugh so much.. i remember once my senior told me i smiled too much.. and seemed to be grinning to myself all the time.. something that doesn't happen now.. i remember all the silly things i did with the class.. As juvenile as it may seem, playing bingo on the board in between periods. Or even during the jogging periods.. i miss dearly the time we'd cheer.. the school spirit.. i guess i miss the security.. the routine of knowing exactly what to do every morning.. being in control.. and knowing there's training.. i used to love netball. Now don't get me wrong. i still do.. just that.. it's becoming increasingly harder when the people around you change.. i'm fine with playing with new team mates.. it's all part of the game.. but it's like the game is not like it used to be.. i'm getting plagued with injuries.. and it's harder to deliver a good game.. because of my elbow.. my teacher told me to change the way i shoot... after 6 years.. you expect me to change something that has grown to be second nature to me.. a conditioned reflex.. i used to "feel" to shoot.. now everything seems horribly new.. adapting to a new way.. it's awkard and uncomfortable knowing i can't shoot like i used to.. it's like the phantom hand that bugs an amputee...
terribly muddled...i used to see things with such clarity.. yet now.. i'm unsure and uncertain. i can't even be certain of the way i'm feeling.. and when i smile or joke but feel so empty inside, i feel hypocritical.. as if i'm lying to myself and being untrue.. but that's how things seem to be going now.. i wish things could take a different direction.. for better or worse? it doesn't matter..at least then i'd know what to do.. now.. i'm hanging in the balance.. in limbo.. i think one thing but feel another. I feel as though the pandora's box in my mind has just been opened.. full of paradoxes and complexities.. yet.. it's really simple.. i just feel empty.. maybe i think too much.. but i rather be blessed with thought than ignorance.. but ignorance is bliss.. i don't know why i prize friends so highly.. to many they are mere acquaintances and accomplices.. but to me, it seems they hold my trust, are keepers of my secrets, confidantes and my pillar of strength.. and in this confusion.. i have this tight knot in my stomach.. you know how when you're abseiling, and you let the rope slip... you fall back.. you don't know when you're gonna hit the ground.. you graze your knee against the wall.. and even slam against the wall. And as you tighten your grip around the rope.. your hand suffers rope burn..then you grip it harder..and for that moment. there's stillness. panic stricken, you don't know whether to laugh or cry.. be relieved or worried.. just hanging in the balance.. you're like a pendulum..
you just don't know what to make out with the way you're feeling after a while.... so i tell myself.. forget everything..push everyone and everything away... focus on something that holds importance.. ahh.. the always reliable studies.. immerse myself in the readings, essays, research work and everything else.. but when you push everything away, you become hard and cold.. and what if i don't see that girl who used to "smile too much"? so what's going on then? doesn't make sense does it?.. i don't expect you to understand.. it's the void i'm clearing my thoughts to.. for all i know.. all this may be a result of a surge in oestrogen.. but what if i wake up tomorrow and feel exactly the same way like i did the day before.. and it happens the day after... and the next day.. what then? let's wait and see..
"i've been trying to be where you are
and I've been secretly falling apart... i'll see"
-strange and beautiful, aqualung