About Rose: I grew up in Singapore, lived in Melbourne but currently call London home. I love gastronomic adventures, especially while travelling. I stated writing at 17 to remember how it all began.
Archives:
26 November 2005
4.52pm; saturday
i've been thinking quite a bit lately. i'm ever so petrified that i will not make the right choices and will have to live with and bear the consequences i so dearly cannot stand. it might the simplest of choices- "should i do an intenship at d&n this dec?"- but i've been going back and forth on the idea for ages and this is just one instance. a friend told me once that i shouldn't worry too much because being too caught up with the future, i will inadvertently forget to live for the present.
don't get me wrong, i'm contented with the way things and am aware that for the most part i am very blessed indeed and also know the plans i have for myself. it's just the unknown that i fear so much, elements outside my control. nothing assuages my fears anymore like it used to. everytime i was bothered, i would tune into star sports and hope that they had re-runs of atp matches. watching tennis used to bring great respite- i found it engaging and calming. and just last week, i didn't even bother to watch nalbandian beat federer at the shanghai masters.
i have this nagging feeling that i think i might know the solution to make me feel better, to have things ameliorate. and yet, i know somehow that it is not. my rational mind tells me that it is emotional and mental growth that will get me through this. "this" being a trough/ rut/ hole i seem to keep floundering in. i have plans and everything routed out, and yet feel as though i'm walking down those paths blindly, in a sort of a limbo... feeling absoultely inconsequential. i do not bother trying to talk to my friends whether it be as a means of catharsis or whether i need someone to tell me their point of view because i get tired and even more so, am afraid they will get tired of me.
i suppose by this point, you are bleedingly aware that my insecurties is the underlying tension to all of this. it's strange you see because i absolutely love what i'm studying, it's so great to be back home with my family and i'm doing as best as i can to be productive with my summer. and yet.. yes... "and yet"
" Do you know where you're going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? Where are you going to, do you know? Do you get what you're hoping for When you look behind you there's no open door What are you hoping for, do you know?" -do you know where you're going to, diana ross