I have been mulling and trying to write in the many different ways that one can, to describe the way I feel about life right now. The thing is, because I'm largely consumed by work, for better or worse, I only can at this stage use that as a reference point to gauge how I'm doing. I am not trying not to labour the following points too much because I've probably written or talked about it some way or form. But I am still feeling a bit run-down and confused and that normally transpires from over-working and tossing between where I think I can be and where I should be. And despite the haze I sometimes find myself in, I realise that the people I work with and the work I do is what keeps me here.
I had been grappling for a while, wondering whether I should really let the work dictate where and what I should be doing rather than the people, but it is never really that simple. I know that I am sentimental but I've been able to form working relationships with people who I think will remain in my life in some measure or form-they are that important to me as mentors.
I remember the day of my admission, with my Mom and Dad in the Supreme Court and JUS moving my admission, I looked into the stands and saw ARA wave at me and not far away CBB and COS. It was such a great moment to see my parents, ARA and JUS spend time over lunch because I think it allowed my Mom and Dad to understand my reasons for staying and working here.
Then there was that morning when I came back to work after I had taken a sick day. JUS asked me if I was alright and whether I wanted another couple of days off because she knew I had had a hard week even if I never mentioned it to her. She was concerned but never pushed the issue. She has a way of looking out for me and I always wonder whether I will be as brilliant as she is sometime in the future.
There was also the time when ARA called from London to say he was having a cup of coffee at Monmouth which reminded me of that time last year where we both met up there when I flew in from The Hague. He takes the time to take both CBB and me out to coffees and lunches and swings by my office for chats. It's the little things that always makes the difference with me and he's figured me out pretty well, past the veneer.
But most of all, they both remind me that I am a competent lawyer even if I struggle to see that. Perhaps it's weird to be gushing this much over the people you work for but you have to understand that after the long days, I come home to my lovely but empty apartment missing my family.. I watch the sun rise over the Yarra on my way to work missing that same glint in the water that I used to see as I crossed canals in The Hague.. and each time I feel that I have little reason to be here in Melbourne other than the work, I am reminded of two very good reasons why I stay.
Even then, sometimes I still feel like I'm losing sight. Which is why you take off and look forward to spending time underneath a cherry blossom tree in a Japanese Spring.
"I need a place that's hidden in the deep
where lonely angels sing you to your sleep"
- atlantic, keane