tuesday; 11.42pm
It is funny how I feel strange being back here in Melbourne even if I was only away for 2 weeks. I can't explain why but when I was in The Hague and meeting up with my friends in Paris, I had not felt so certain about who I was and truly felt more of myself then I had in the last six months. But I am careful not to wax lyrical too much because swooping in for a whirlwind two week stay filled with private international law (geek alert!), dinners to attend, guided museum tours and shopping trips is easy to love. Perhaps it's the company I miss, of having poffertjes at Scheveningen with Charlotte, or maybe it is the luxury of long walks I never have time for here as I did when I spent hours strolling around Place des Vosges in Paris.
I don't know what it is really but it's only been two days and I find myself already slipping back into the 12-hour work day routine. The thing is, I'm always being told to go home and not overwork. And yet, I find myself trying to keep busy to perhaps avoid dealing with the things that worry me constantly - wondering whether I actually love the work here as much as I think I do, wishing I could be better at liking Singapore, or learning not to expect too much of myself, or giving thought on whether I should be exploring the other possibilities, or trying to understand why my friends do not seem to try as hard as I do and trying to understand that letting go is hard and takes time.
All things considered, things are not bad at all, I just find myself worn out and less of myself here. But like I've said before I'm not sure that going back to The Hague is what I want, even if it is one of my favourite places in the world. But I do know that I want to feel the calm and contentment I did when I was at the Musée L'orangerie staring at the great expanse of Monet's water lilies and willow trees at Giverny painted on the curved walls of the long oval rooms. I want to feel like that again, that I was exactly where I wanted to be.
"And now you're left to face the gloom
the empty room that once smelled sweetly
of all the flowers you plucked
if only you knew the reason
why you had to each be lonely
was it just the season?"
-shoot the moon, norah jones